It is really hard for me listen to someone speak well of their
choices without feeling like I have to defend mine.
choices without feeling like I have to defend mine.
When my foodie friends talk about eating well, instead of being happy for them, I feel the need to defend my apathy on the issue. Instead of hearing them say how they feel better when they eat better and how cutting out wheat/dairy/food dyes/whatever has helped their child's ability to focus, I make excuses and can even start to feel like they are attacking me because I feed my kids processed chicken nuggets. I hear them telling me that I'm a bad mother. A fat, bad mother. Let me be clear here, they are saying no such thing. They aren't talking about me at all. I'm just narcissistic enough to make it all about me when it's not.
It's bad enough that I feel this way with the foodies but the other day I felt this way when someone was telling me the things she likes about her church. Instead of hearing how God was working in her life I heard "We do this better than you do. We are better than you. You suck and so does your church." Again, she said no such thing, but I had to bite my lip and force a smile to avoid getting defensive. I was getting defensive because her church did something well that mine struggles with a little bit. Um...that hit me like a ton of bricks. Even as she was talking, a war was waging in my head about how stupid my internal dialogue was. My church does lots of things well. What kind of person thinks like that? Turns out, it's me. I'm the kind of person who thinks like that. Boo! I don't want to be that person.
My response is a direct reflection of my own insecurities. When I hear "You're a fat, bad mom. You suck," that voice isn't someone else's, it's my own. It's me knowing that making better food choices would make for a healthier family. It's acknowledging that there are issues in my church that are less than perfect; that there are areas in my life that I really do suck at. But mostly, it's fear. It's fear that I am a failure. Fear that someone else is doing it better. Fear that I am not doing enough. Fear that I am not enough.
Am I alone in this? I doubt it. When people find out that we homeschool, so many of them jump straight to the "I wish I could do that but I'm not smart/patient/you-name-it enough" line. We don't homeschool because we want others to feel bad about sending their kids to public school. We homeschool because it's right for our family. Would I love it if more of our friends shared our vision and journeyed with us on this road called home education? Of course! I would welcome them with open arms and support them in all ways I could. Do I look down on my friends and family that have made a different choice? Absolutely not, but I'm afraid that sometimes, unintentionally, I have made people feel that way because I have spoken passionately about a choice our family is happy with that has nothing to do with them.
When my friend decided to eat healthier, she did it for her family, not for mine. When my friend decided to go to a church that values things differently than mine does, she did it for her family, not for mine. That I somehow make these things about me is ridiculous.
I read a great quote somewhere. (Probably on Pinterest, because you know, that time-sucker has drawn me in. I have a great board full of hilariousness. You can follow me if you've already entered the vortex. If not, run away, run fast, before Pinterest gets you, too.)
Here's the thing. Somewhere on the planet, someone is doing it better than I am. Someone is also doing it worse. It doesn't matter what "it" is. I will never, ever, get it all together. I am not enough. Alone in my thoughts, I will always be an insecure, fat, bad mom. Only when I take captive every thought will I be able to live a life that is free from such comparisons. Only then will I be able to live the life I was meant to live. I have yet to arrive, but it's a journey I've at least started.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Don't let it steal yours.
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