Unsolicited Advice: School Supplies

It's August. That means BACK TO SCHOOL for many of us.

I taught public school for nine years and am about to start year eight with my kids at home. Add the 18 plus years I was a student (kindergarten through college!) and I've been in a classroom for most of my life. Basically, I'm an expert on this stuff.  Sadly, I'm not really cool enough to get endorsements from any of these companies, so these are my honest, unbiased, real-as-real-can-be opinions. Take 'em or leave 'em, but I really think you're going to want to take 'em.

1. Crayola trumps EVERYTHING. Don't cheap out and get the store brand. Crayola costs more because they make a better product. You will regret it if you don't get the name brand for crayons, markers, colored pencils and water colors. Trust me. Your kid's art will look cheap and dull next to their friends who take my advice. You don't want the kindergarten masterpiece to be second rate because of a few cents difference, do you?

Do you like my handy-dandy little storage box? That's a baby wipes container. Throw a little fancy looking duct tape around the sides and bam! You've got a perfect size container, with a lid, for free. 

Unless the teacher asks for the regular, get washable. Yes, they cost more. But they cost less than replacing the new school clothes you just bought.

*NOTE: Sometimes washable doesn't work. For example, I used to do an art project where kids used crayons to draw a picture and then water colored over that. Washable crayons result in big puddles of muck and sometimes crying kids. The teacher knows how your kids will be using these things. Get what she asks for.

2. Ticonderoga is the ONLY pencil we buy in our house any more. I wish I had known about these when I was a classroom teacher. They sharpen correctly the first time, every time! No more having to sharpen the pencils for hours every week. Classroom teachers, you know the sound the pencil sharpener makes that lasts forever? Well, with these, it lasts a lot less time. They last forever and write amazingly. Those cheap ones you get a thousand of for a dollar? Well, those are horrible. STOP BUYING THOSE! You can get 144 Ticonderogas for under 14 bucks on Amazon. That will last you your lifetime! You can also get a lot less of them for less money if you're not ready to stash them away forever. They even come in pretty neon colors if you want to splurge a little. Aren't they pretty?

Obviously, these have been hanging around my house for a while. But look! Even though they've been chewed on, beaten up and used for constant drumming, they're still all pretty long! They last forever! 

3. Elmer's glue is really the only kind you should buy. Amazon has 30 sticks for under $10. Those will last you a while. The younger your kid is, the more of these they will need. I bought the 30 pack three years ago and we've still got a jar full.

I'm a big believer in repurposing containers. These glue sticks fit perfectly in this glass jar that was originally a candle.

4. If an item on the supply list is almost impossible to find at a decent price (in my town, it's a yellow folder they use at the middle school), let the teacher know. Usually, they can have an idea of where to get it or they can easily swap it out for something else. But they don't know how hard it is to find if you don't tell them. My first year teaching I asked kids to bring a certain color of notecard because it matched the cover of that book. One of the parents let me know it was really tough to find and I made the change to something more readily available. No big deal for me and I saved the parents the hassle of trying to find something that didn't exist!

5. Last year's scissors will work just fine. Really. Unless your kid is heading into 4th grade, where he's probably making the transition into an adult size pair, just use what you've got.  There's no need to go buy shiny new ones.

6. Skip the fancy stuff. Really. Your kid doesn't need shiny, light-up writing utensils. Or sparkly glue. In fact, those things are just distractions at best, or at worst, waiting to be stolen right out of your kid's desk.  Keep the swanky stuff at home for special projects or writing in your diary. Do your kid's teachers a favor and don't send it to school.


7. Okay, maybe not ALL of the fancy stuff. I do love me some Frixion erasable pens. They come in all kinds of pretty colors and they actually erase smoothly. I've found that they're a bit finicky and a few that we've ordered haven't worked at all. But the ones that do are awesome! I use them for lesson planning. These pens erase when heat is applied, so they may fade or disappear completely if you put a cup of hot coffee on them. They also make erasable markers, which I have yet to try, but are on my list. How fun is that?

Keep these things in mind as you head out to spend your kids' college funds on their new school supplies and you should do okay. Godspeed on the new school year! Make it a fabulous one!

Give me shout out for your favorite school supplies in the comments!

Unsolicited Advice for Sports Moms (Dads, too)

Dear sweet, loving soccer mom that I saw scream at her kid from the bleachers, "Come on, get in there! Geeze!" this one's for you. Over competitive volleyball dad who literally hung his head in shame when his fifth grade daughter missed a serve, it's for you, too. Baseball mom who finds it impossible not to argue with the ump when your son is "unfairly" called out at third, I'm looking at you, sweetheart. Tee ball mom who won't stop screaming at her five-year old because he's playing in the dirt, can we talk for just a minute?

Because I know you. I love you, momma. Girl, you are my friend, maybe even among my dearest. I know your heart is kind and your love for your kid couldn't be greater. Dad, I have watched you with your baby girl and seen the joy she brings your heart. It's obvious to me because I know you outside of sports. I know you day-to-day and I see more of you than just "sports parent."

I get it. I do. I have been you. Sometimes I still am. I have argued with umpires, talked about coaches behind their backs, and yelled at my kids from the stands. My grimace was obvious when an error was made. I've overstepped my bounds and made myself look like a fool. More than once. After all, dears, sports parenting ain't for the faint of heart. 

When our oldest started playing team sports, I found out that I'm a competitive sports mom. That wasn't a surprise, as I had found myself coaching our little guys at the kids' money hunt at the fair. Because, you know, that extra $1.27 was really going to be life changing for my two year old. Talk about embarrassing. When I realized that I was actually doing this, I made a sincere effort to just keep my mouth shut from then on.

If you know me at all, you might know just how hard it is for me to do so. I'm pretty sure that no one has ever accused me of being quiet. I'm opinionated and loud. So loud, in fact, that I became a distraction for my son on the wrestling mat. You see, he knows my voice. So he would hear me above all others, even the coach. And because he was young and used to my instruction, he would instinctively look for me when he heard my voice. This wasn't a good thing, because even after three years as a wrestling manager for my high school team and several years as a wrestler's mom, I'm not a wrestling coach. I'm a wrestling mom. There's a big difference. 

My husband called me on it. You see, he's both a dad and a coach. He's exceptionally good at both. But he was frustrated that E would search me out in the crowd and lose his focus while wrestling. It cost the boy more than one match. Vance let me know what a distraction I was and a lightbulb went off in my head. "I'm not helping. In fact, I'm HURTING my kid with this mouth of mine. Woah." 

So I backed off. Generally now, I'm quieter, sometimes even completely silent, while my kids are competing. Because I'm learning to play the role of "Sports Mom" a little better now. It's a work in progress.

A Kansas City area baseball complex (3&2) has the best signs on the fences as you enter the park. They say this:

Pick only one

1 - Coach

2 - Player

3 - Umpire

4 - Spectator

I'm trying so very hard to do this at all of our games. Easier said than done. 

But the sign is right. 

It's not my job to tell the kids where or how to play. That belongs to the coach. If I can't trust him to do that well, then maybe my kids shouldn't play for him. If I feel the need to advocate for my kid, the bottom of the ninth inning isn't the time or the place. Private, calm conversations can be had later, when adrenaline isn't pumping quite so hard and everyone can be rational. Or maybe not. Maybe my kid is old enough to advocate for himself and I should just stay out of it. 

I'm too old and too out of shape to play much anymore, so not choosing to be Number 2 is pretty easy for me. But we do encourage our kids to do their best. To try hard. To be good teammates. That no missed shot, strike out, or ace is worth their integrity. 

Number 3. Man, that's a tough one. Everybody wants to make the calls, but unless we're wearing the stripes or the blue shirt, that's not our job either. The ump gets paid to decide ball or strike, safe or out. If he sucks at it, and sometimes he does, then it's still not my place. It's up to the people who are paying him to decide if he keeps his job or not. More than once, I've had to remind not just myself of that, but my kid, too. Especially when the crowd gets all up in arms about a "bad call," my kid may deflect the blame from himself or the players involved and blame the ref. We've had to remind him that once the call is made, it's made. Officials are people, so they mess up. Sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. But no matter how wrong they are, yelling at someone over a little league game isn't worth my integrity. 

My job is spectator. That means I cheer for my kids and their teammates with all I have. I applaud the good stuff and when the bad plays come; when the ball hits the floor or their shoulders get pinned to the mat, I don't boo or audibly sigh or shake my head or mumble (or God-forbid, shout!) obscenities. My job is ONLY to encourage and to build up. It is NEVER to tear down. Not my own kid, her teammates or her coaches. Not the umpires, referees or line judges. And certainly not the kids on the other team. Because they're just kids, too, doing their best, messing up, and trying again. 

So fellow sports parents, can we just make a deal? Can we just agree to "pick only one" and to parent our children with love and integrity on and off the field? To act in ways that build up, not tear down? Can we remember that at the end of the day, it really is just a game and that the lessons we want to teach our kids through youth sports are so much more important that winning or losing? Because our kids deserve that, don't you think?

Unsolicited Advice for Your Wedding Registry - Non-Kitchen Edition

One of my dear, sweet, little fourth graders is getting married. No, Lauren's not a 10 year old child bride, but back 2001, when she was in my classroom, she was the most adorable thing on the planet. I still think of her that way and cannot believe that ANY of the kids I taught are old enough to be married and having babies and being grown ups and stuff. But apparently they are, because she's not the first.

Today her beautiful sister, Kaity, posted a question about what to advise Lauren to put on her wedding registry.  Because I'm helpful like that, I posted a link to the post I wrote last year, after another of my beautiful students got engaged. That post is all about what to get to stock your kitchen. It's good advice. Take a minute and open that in another window so you can read it when you're done with this one.  You won't regret it. I promise.

Kaity's question reminded me that I'd always planned to do another wedding registry post for things that were non-kitchen related. So, thanks for reminding me!

It's been over 15 years since I got married, but if I had to do it all over again today, I'd do my best to ask for things that would last as long as my marriage (or at least for the first decade). Here's what I'd put on my a wedding registry:

1. Bedding. You're going to need a couple pairs of sheets. Might as well ask for the nice ones now. Go for the good stuff because buying them yourself later is pretty pricey, especially if you have a king size bed. And after a couple kids, you're gonna want a king size bed. Trust me.

2. An emergency kit for each vehicle. I know, glamorous, right? Jumper cables, flashlights and a jack. Seriously, who buys these for themselves? But you need one. So, let Uncle Harold and Aunt Marjorie feel good about getting you something practical that could literally be a life saver down the road.

3. Tools. Rakes, shovels, hammers, ladders, snow shovels, saws, gas cans, flash lights, screwdrivers and a staple gun are all things you're gonna eventually need. If you don't have them now, put them on your list! And don't forget the plunger. Because you're definitely going to need one of those when your brothers come to visit.

4. Games. Believe it or not, these can really add up fast if you're players. If you plan to entertain, it's always great to have a few board games on hand. Even pick out a few kid friendly versions if you think you'll ever go that route, or even if you just want to someday entertain the nieces and nephews. Yard games like corn hole, croquet, and even lawn darts could be a lot of fun, too!

5. Lawn Chairs. To go right along with those outdoor games, ask for some nice lawn chairs.  More than two, because yes, you and your spouse will be using them the majority of the time, but they're always great to have when company is over, too. We still have a set of folding lawn chairs that we got at our reception. We use the heck out of them, especially during baseball season, and they are holding up beautifully. If you aren't apartment dwellers, outdoor furniture could be a great thing to ask for as well. A table, chairs, maybe even a fire pit, would all add wonderfully to your list.

6. Towels. I'm a little torn here, because you're going to get them anyway, so why put them on the list.  I was tempted to put them on the Stuff You Don't Need to Register For list, but decided to go on this one instead. Why? Because at least this way you might get a couple that are the color you want.  I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I have been married for 15 years, have 4 kids and have still NEVER ONCE bought a single towel for my house. We are still using the ones from when we got married. We got that many. It was a bit overwhelming, but it's been nice to not have to buy new ones. For the record, the last of the wedding towels are now in use and have seen their better days. I don't know that we'll make it to year 16 with these but one and a half decades seems like a good, long run.

7. A year of Amazon Prime. Free movies. Free books. Free music and free two day shipping. You really can't go wrong with this one. Even if you don't use the shipping, the movies and music alone are totally worth the price. Even better if someone else is gifting it to you for the first year!

8. A Christmas Tree. If you're not live tree people, you might consider putting a tree on your list. I know it seems strange, but this is a surprisingly big ticket item that you may not be able to afford for yourself for a couple of years if you're just starting out.

There are also a couple of things I think you should skip putting on your registry. One you will get anyway and one I think is just plain impractical. But this is just me. If you just really, really want or need either of these, go for it! It is your registry, not mine.

1. China. Unless you are going to be hosting a lot of formal parties, I don't think you need to register for this stuff. Yes, it's kind of traditional, but do you have a place for it? Will you really use it? The answer to both, if you're young, is probably no. My suggestion would be to pick out some great everyday dishes that you can use for a long time. I'd go with simple, solid prints that you can mix and match with some pretty patterns. Stay away from anything that is going to look dated: stick with classic looking pieces for your mainstays and accent with more trendy items.

2. Picture frames. You're gonna get them anyway. I can pretty much guarantee it. Frames are a go-to gift for people who don't know the couple well, haven't seen the registry or don't have a lot to spend. This doesn't mean they can't be a good gift. I actually still have a couple that we got 15 plus years ago. So, you'll get some. Just don't ask for extras by putting more on your registry.

So, all the rest of you old married folk? What would you add to my list? Newly marrieds, what did you put on your registry (or receive as a surprise gift) that you think everyone else should have as well?

Unsolicited Advice for Packing for Camp

This year was my oldest son's first year to go to Boy Scout camp.  He was gone for an entire week and had the time of his life!  Over the next seven years, as he progresses through ranks and eventually becomes an Eagle Scout, I have no doubt that we will learn a thousand useful things from this organization. For now, though, I just want to share the one that has been the most useful for me, the mom, so far.

Packing for camp.  The BSA guys have this down really well.  Here's what I've learned from them along with a few tricks I've picked up on my own.

1. Forget the suitcase.  Pack in a hard plastic tote with a snap-on lid.  It's waterproof, stackable and will keep bugs out.  If you get a clear one, you can easily see through it and know what is inside.  Be sure to get one that is thick enough to stand up to camp use.  Thin, brittle plastic will do you no good.   A tote is especially helpful if you are tent camping and have a greater chance of rain or wildlife getting into your stuff.

If you will be using traditional bedding, you can include your sheets and blankets in the tote as well. For church camp, we were even able to fit my son's pillow in the tote, reducing his entire week's luggage to one container. If you have bulky bedding (like a sleeping bag) and can't fit it all in the tote, stick everything in a large trash bag.  This keeps sleeping bags and pillows together and makes it easier when transporting them.

2. Gallon size Ziplock baggies are the perfect size for packing each day's worth of clothing.  As he gets older and bigger, we may have to rethink this, but for now, we can fit a pair of shorts, shirt, underwear and socks all in one baggie.  As a mom, this is beneficial for many reasons.  First off, I can rest easy knowing that his clothes for each day go together.  I wouldn't want him tramping through the woods in a mismatched outfit.  :) Even better, this keeps the clean laundry separated from the dirty stuff.  If the clothes are still folded in the baggie when he gets home, I know they need to go back to the closet.  The rest gets dumped in the washer as soon as he walks through the door.

Toiletries get put in the baggies as well. Soap, shampoo, deodorant, along with a washcloth, toothpaste and a toothbrush are all packed together in a single bag.  Now, whether or not my tween boy ever gets them out while he's away from home is entirely out of my hands.  But at least I know they are all packed together, readily available if he does decide to use them. Please son, use them.  For the sake of those of us who have to ride home with you at the end of the week, please use them!

3. Include an empty trash bag for the dirty clothes.  If you can get all of the smelly, wet, and crusty stuff to stay in one place, you'll be better off.  Don't even look at it.  Just dump the entire thing in the washing machine with an extra bit of Oxy Clean.


4. Use a day bag.  It can be a simple messenger style bag or a large backpack or whatever is best for the type of camp your child is attending.  In it, pack useful things your kid may need to have close at hand; a flashlight, a journal, a pen, a Bible, bug spray* and sunblock.* (*Be sure to put these in a Ziplock as well.  No one wants their bug spray all over their pack.)  You can either have your child carry this to camp with him or put it in the top of the tote.

5. Pack a water bottle, even if it's not on the list.  If you can find one that snaps or hooks to the day pack, that's a bonus.  Dehydration is killer at summer camp. Be sure your child knows that WATER is what he needs to be drinking, NOT soda pop.  My kids have been to three different camps this summer.  Each place had its own rules on food and drink and some were more lenient than others about what I would consider healthy habits.  I made sure to stress the importance of proper hydration at each place, and to make sure my kids were having water at each meal (and in between).

6. Write your kid's name on everything!  Every towel, shoe and piece of clothing that you want to return to your home should be labeled. Things at camp tend to get thrown on the floor, left at the pool, and thrown under the bed.  If that random t-shirt someone pulls out of the corner has your kids' name on the tag, you'll probably get it back.  If not, well, probably not. If it's something you really, really don't want to lose, like a ball glove, musical instrument or expensive eyeglasses, put your phone number on it as well.  (On a side note, we've had more than one ball glove returned to us after someone found it, saw our name and number on it and called.  It's worth the twenty seconds it takes to write it on there, I promise.)

7. If you have to send medication OF ANY KIND with your kids, be sure to hand it directly to the adult responsible for it.  Don't just assume that your kid will remember to turn it in to the camp nurse once they get there. Having taken 22 kids to camp this summer, I can assure you that they will probably forget.  If it's a prescription, send it in the original container that has dosing directions included.  For OTC stuff, use a Sharpie and write your child's name and dosage directly on the bottle.

8. If camp will include water of any kind, you might want to include a simple drying rack.  I picked up a couple of these at Dollar General last year. I think they were around $1 each.  As a counselor at kids' church camp, I hung them in our shared bathroom and encouraged all of the girls to hang their wet swimsuits on them.  This kept the water out of their bunks and in one place.  Before bed each night I wrung out the suits and they were mostly dry before we had to put them back on the next day.

Veteran campers and packers, what have I missed?  How do YOU pack for summer camp?

Unsolicited Advice For Beginning to Homeschool

So, you're thinking about homeschooling?  Awesome.  I'm always up for adding more families to the homeschool community.  Here, in the order that they came into my head, are a few things I think you need to know before you start.

1. Your house is going to be a mess (almost always).  

Seriously.  Unless you are one of those crazy, organized, super moms like my sister, if your house is filled with little people all day, every day, it's not going to stay clean.

Books will be found on every conceivable surface of your home.  Under the couch? Yep. In the fridge? Had that happen once.  In the bathroom?  Duh.  Stacked on end tables and on the kitchen counter? Of course.

Art projects will dominate entire rooms of your house for weeks at a time.  Toys will take over your living room floor.  Laundry will go undone and you will wonder if you will ever see the kitchen sink without dishes in it.

People are messy.  Accept it.  Some people might tell you to just let the housekeeping go while the kids are little and learning at home.  And while that is fine in theory, it is impossibly hard for most people to accept.  My advice?  Let some of it go. Decide what you can live with and what you can't live without and go from there.  If you absolutely must have a clean kitchen before you can work, then clean your kitchen.  If not, let it go.

2. You will hate it (sometimes).

There are days when I would love nothing more than to walk a child the six blocks to our local elementary school and enroll his little butt into the public education system.  These days are usually the days when I'm already tired, hungry or hormonally imbalanced.  Or days when the kids are tired, hungry or in the mood to test boundaries.  Admittedly, those days are fewer and further between now than they were at the beginning of our journey, five years ago.

Now that I'm a little more veteran in this, I have figured out how to cope on those days.  Coping looks like a lot of things in our house.  Sometimes it looks a lot like a nap and other times it looks like a trip to the pool.  It can also look like housecleaning (see #1) or shooting my kids with the sprayer from the kitchen sink.

3. You need to figure out what your homeschooling philosophy is.  

Research.  Learn about unschooling, classical education, co-ops, spirals, and all the other buzz words.  Decide which one best fits with your family.  Try it.  But there's one really, really important thing you need to keep in mind.  Are you ready for it?  Here goes: Be prepared to change 100% of your plan.  Really.  You might think you want to unschool in the beginning and realize six months in that you can't stand giving your kids that much freedom.  Or try a structured co-op and realize that you can't stand being that controlled by someone else.  And you know what?  That's okay. You're not locked in.  You don't even have to wait until next year to change.  You can do what works for your family, even if it's not what you thought it was four months, six weeks or two days ago.  Which leads me to the next point . . .

4. Don't go crazy when the latest curriculum catalog comes in the mail.  

You really don't need all of that stuff to teach well.  Especially when your kiddos are small.  With a few exceptions, most people could teach through elementary school with a library card, a computer, a printer, some paper and pencils.  For my now seven year old, we use a ton of stuff from the library, homemade flashcards, an old abacus, workbooks from Dollar General and a copy of "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons" that I got on Amazon.com for less than $8.  That's it.  The math workbooks were under $10 total.

My older kids have math texts (we use Saxon) that we are actually able to share with another homeschooling family who has a child a year ahead of my oldest.  Our kids are currently in 7th, 6th, 5th, and 4th grade math texts. We bought the 4th grade book, but have been abundantly blessed to be able to borrow their books for the other years.

Over the years I've bought some other things but generally speaking, I don't think things have been that much better in the years we spent more money.

5. People will question your decision.  You need a plan dealing with this.

It may seem silly, but you will be amazed at how many people will weigh in on your decision to educate your kids at home. I've been asked by Wal-Mart checkers, dental hygienists, my 80+ year old neighbor, public school teachers who understand, public school teachers who don't know me and think I must hate them and the system they represent, waitresses, complete strangers in the grocery store and more about why we homeschool.  Overall, the experience has been positive.  Most people seem okay with the idea for my family but almost all of them feel compelled to tell me why they personally couldn't do it.

I say you need a plan because, well, you do.  It can be difficult to come up with compelling sounding reasons on the spur of the moment, especially if you have just spent the last two hours grocery shopping with four kids in tow, are hungry and have to pee. Knowing ahead of time how you will respond is helpful.  I used to give lengthy dissertations on the benefits of homeschooling to anyone who would ask.  Now, I mostly just say, "Yep.  We do homeschool." And might add in the occasional, "It doesn't work for everybody, but for now it's working really well for us."  That, and I let my kids speak for themselves.  They all love homeschooling and can give their own dissertations on why it's the best way for them to learn.

Unsolicited Advice for Weary Moms

This NLT says it this way,

Without oxen a stable stays clean,
    but you need a strong ox for a large harvest.

Hold on to this verse, dear mommas.  When you look around all you see is the horrible mess of the "stalls" in your life.  Those little mess makers are the power behind your abundant harvest.

This picture is of my actual laundry pile . . . errrr . . . part of it, anyway.  There was more than would even fit in the frame, so I cropped it a little.  The laundry "stall" is almost always overflowing.  With three little boys, the bathroom "stall" doesn't always smell so good.  The kitchen sink "stall" is a mess, and you certainly wouldn't want to eat off my floors.

But these "oxen" that we're raising, there is power in them.  They are world changers.  By the grace of God, we will raise them to be strong and we will see the abundance of the large harvest.  

Unsolicited Advice for Being in my Life

This has been said by just about everyone under the sun.  I know that.  And yet I'm going to say it again.  If you want to be in my life, please be IN it.  Please be with me when we are together.  Here's how I think you should do this.

1. Put down your phone.  Better yet, leave it at home or in the car.  At the least, leave it in your purse or your pocket when we're having a conversation.

If you have a loved one in the hospital or you left your kids at home without an adult, you may need to take a call.  It's one thing if you are waiting for lab results or your deployed family member who only gets to call a few times a month.  I'll happily wait while you take that call.  Just tell me up-front, before you answer, that you need to take it.

I can't tell you the number of times lately that I've *tried* to have conversations with people who were constantly texting or checking Facebook while I was trying to talk to them.  It's rude.  It's disrespectful.  It tells me that I am not as important as whoever or whatever you are looking at on your phone.  It's all too quickly becoming the norm.

I've been guilty of this.  More than once.  I'm sorry for that.  If I've disrespected you in this way, I'm asking for your forgiveness right now.  I'm also asking for you to call me on it if I do it again.  Seriously.  If we're in conversation and I whip out my phone while we're talking, please ask me to put my phone away.

That's it.  There is no number two in this week's advice.  Number one really sums it up.  If you want to be in my life, be in it.  Put down your phone and let me know I'm more important that whatever is on that screen.

Unsolicited Advice for Your Wedding Registry - Kitchen Edition

This time, the advice is not totally unsolicited.  My dearest Kate, who was once one of my fifth grade students, is now a real grown up and is getting married soon!  She asked her Facebook friends advice on what to include and not to include on her registry.  Always a bastion of wisdom, I chimed in and decided to expand on it here.

Gift registries have come a long way over the years. They used to be paper pencil things you could fill out only at your local businesses.  Now they are electronic, world wide accessible and way more fun to fill out.

But somethings are the same.  If  you're getting married today, you're probably going to get towels, dishes and sheets, just like your momma and her momma before you.  Here's what else I think you should ask for.

Today I'm going to focus on things you will want for your kitchen:  Don't register for most of this stuff at Wal-Mart or Target or JC Penney.  Find a consultant and get Pampered Chef.  Their products will be so much better and you will use them forever.  A lot of it even comes with a lifetime warranty.  They do wedding showers and registries and what-not.  It's worth the effort!

 Specifically, get these:

• Forged cutlery.  If you spend any time in the kitchen at all, you will need a good knife set.  I highly recommend the chef's knife, butcher knife and small paring knife.  I use them almost every day.
• Stoneware.  Get the covered baker and a pizza stone.  If you plan to have a large family, get two.  They're so worth having.  Everything tastes better when cooked on a stone. 
• Salad spinner.  I don't have one of these, but I wish I did.  My mom has one that I've used many times and it makes washing fruits and veggies a breeze.  It's a great way to let the kids help with meal prep, too.  
• Can opener.  Get the one that actually breaks the seal rather than cuts the edges.  So much safer than having sharp metal in the kitchen.
• Cutting boards.  Get a couple of sizes.  The mini ones are great for quick snacks and the larger ones for bigger meals.
• Kitchen shears.  Get a pair.  Use them for cutting up chickens.  They are awesome.
• Garlic Press.  Connie Seibel turned me onto these many years ago, when we were neighbors in Gridley.  I have used mine almost non-stop since then.  Garlic has about a million and one healthy qualities, so go ahead and stick it in everything.  Makes stuff yummy, too.
• Mix-and-chop.  It's a funny, kind of star shaped utensil that makes chopping up ground beef, onions, etc such a breeze.  You want one of these.  Trust me on this.

Here are a few other, non-PC things you should have in your kitchen.

• A Ninja.  No, not a Jackie Chan movie extra; a blender/food processor combo.  It's so fantastic, I cannot begin to tell  you how much I love this thing.  It's as awesome at chopping onions as it is at making smoothies.  Get one.  You'll thank me later.
• Pyrex bowls and dishes with lids.  You're going to want a couple of these.  Glass is so much better than plastic.  You can freeze it, microwave it, and eat right out of it.  Be sure to get the ones with lids.  Lids are so much better than covering something with plastic wrap.  When you can, get the lids that snap on.  They are awesome!  We use these in my husband's lunch box almost every day.
• A crockpot big enough to cook an entire roast or 10 pounds of ground beef.  This can be your best friend in the kitchen, especially if you work outside the home and when you have little kids to take care of.  
• I love, love, love my Zyliss brand ice cream scoop.  It's the one thing I have that I love this brand more than the Pampered Chef equivalent.  It's that good. 

I will probably have more unsolicited advice for you on the rest of your list soon.  Be looking for it!

Unsolicited Advice for Homeschooling Little Ones

Over and over and over again I see and hear loving, caring, hard-working mommas who are contemplating homeschooling their preschool and kindergarten kiddos ask the same question; "What curriculum should I use?"

My answer is very simple:  "None.  You do not need to buy an expensive big box curriculum for a child that age."

Give me a minute before you think I'm advocating the impossible and I'll expand on some things I think you should do instead.

1. Read to your child.  Follow the words with your finger while you read aloud and help your son learn that English tracks from left to right.  Ask natural questions as you read.  Have your child predict what will happen next.  Count the number of dogs on the page.  Ask which has more, what color the balloons are, or what time of day it is in the story.  Little ones love this and these are the prereading skills they need.  An expensive curriculum won't likely give you much in this regard that you couldn't figure out all by yourself but they will charge you an arm and a leg.

2. Go places.  Go to the library, the grocery, the zoo, the park, the museum, the firehouse, city hall, the aquarium, and to church.  While you're there, talk about what you see and what you're doing.  Even if you think your kids are too young to understand, with time and repetition, they will pick up on so much more than you can imagine.

When you're at the grocery, explain to your daughters and sons that you are picking cereal based on what is on sale and the nutritional content.  Let them see the difference in price between red delicious and Fuji apples.  Let them help you put the produce on the scale and learn to read it.  At the checkout, explain the difference between paying with a debit card, credit card, check and cash.  Explain why you choose to pay the way you do.  It doesn't need to be a formal lesson or one that takes very long.  A few sentences here and there add up!

My kids have all been to the voting booth with me more than once.  They know how the process works and why it is important to me.  Hopefully, by the time they are 18, going to the poll will be such a natural thing for them to do that they won't miss a single chance to have their say in the world.

3. Use what you've got and what's around you.  Point out letters and numbers you find in your home and around town.  In the car, have the kids look outside for the letters in their names or the alphabet.  At home, have them search through magazines for letters.  Cut them out and make an alphabet book or wall with construction paper and glue.  Make or buy some simple and inexpensive letter flash cards if you must.

Sing the alphabet and count as part of your bedtime or bath time or whatever time routines.  Make it a natural part of the day, not "school time."  Learning can take place 24/7, so don't relegate it to 8-3.

4. Let kids be kids.  There is much knowledge to be gained in free play. This is something any preschool or kindergarten teacher worth listening to would tell you.  They would probably also tell you that they are getting more and more pressure to leave this out in lieu of formal learning.  They probably hate that.

5.  I'm a big believer in the "better late than early" philosophy.  I had a friend once explain it to me this way: It is possible for a farmer to work his field in the cold, snowy, frozen ground of January.  It can be done, but at a great cost in time and resources for the farmer.  The ground itself does not necessary benefit from this either.  However, if a farmer waits until Spring and works his ground when it is ready, it is a much, much easier process for both the farmer and the field.   The same is true about our kids.  If we force them to begin formal schooling before they are ready, the process is long and hard and often kills the natural love of learning the child once had.  If however, we wait until the child himself shows some signs of wanting to begin, it all goes so much more smoothly.

I have four kids and they have all learned to read at different ages.  At age 5, my oldest wasn't ready for kindergarten.  He didn't show the least bit of interest in learning to read.  At age 6, we started our formal homeschooling and he still wasn't ready then.  I didn't understand all that I do know and I probably pushed him too hard that first year.   At age 7, when he decided he wanted to be a reader, he became one.

My daughter read early.  She listened to me teach her brother that first year and when I started with her the next, she really had very little to learn.  She had picked it up from listening to me work with her older brother and basically taught herself to read at age 5.  She has been a voracious reader since.

Tigger is almost 7 and still learning to read.  At age 5, he had zero interest so we didn't do much.  This year, he started taking an interest and we have used Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons along with sight word cards to teach him.  Once he saw the value in reading, he started wanting to do it, with less fuss when I told him to get his book out.

My youngest just turned four and we have done zero formal schooling with him.  He watches a lot of Leap Frog videos (The Letter Factory is our favorite!) and has a Letter Factory toy of his own.  He sits with Tigger and me when we do our reading lessons and he's learning.  A few weeks ago my dad handed him a pen and told him to write his name. He did. All by himself with not one single writing lesson. You will be surprised at how much your kids will pick up just by living.


Seasoned homeschoolers, would you agree or are you big fans of the big box curriculum?

Unsolicited Advice: Books You Should Read

There are a lot of really great books out there.  So, so many things that are worth reading.  In my opinion, here is a list of fiction that is MOST worth reading.  These are my favorite books, in no particular order, except the first one.  It's my all time favorite book.  Everyone should read it at least twice.

1. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
I first read this while staying with my Aunt Jean for a few days in the summer.  It was the shortest of the classics on her shelf and the only one I thought I could finish in the allotted time.  I think I was in the eighth grade.  I stayed up all night reading and cried more than once.  I reread it in high school English class and again in college.  I've picked it up a few more times since then and it never fails to move something inside of me.  The old black and white movie starring Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch is very much worth seeing.  (*I wanted to name one of our boys Atticus, but Vance vetoed it every time.)

2. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith
Vance recommended this to me when I was in college.  I remember that I literally laughed out loud and cried like a baby within a few pages.

3. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
My first introduction to the Enderverse was this book on CD.  I happened to pick it up at the library when I was looking for books to keep me entertained on my hour and a half commute.  I'm pretty sure I drove around extra and sat in the garage with the car off just to hear a few more minutes.  OSC had me from the first few lines.  There are about a million sequels, some of which I love and others that I couldn't make myself finish.  The best of them are the Shadow books, which are about Bean and Petra.

4. The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien
Just fabulous.  A great read aloud for kids.  When you finish it, you should go ahead and read The Lord of the Rings.   Entire fandoms have been created around these great works.  Read them and find out why.  And no matter how great the movies are (and they really are amazing!) the books are better.

5. The Chronicles of Narnia by CS Lewis (all of them)
These are also great read alouds.  They make for great discussion of sacrifice and the love Christ has for his people.

6. Long Way From Chicago by Richard Peck
This one will make you laugh until you cry. I read it with fourth and fifth graders and my own kids when they were 8 and 10.  Grandma's antics will leave you with a stitch in your side from laughing so hard. Bonus, it gives kids an idea of what life was like during the Great Depression.

7. Charlotte's Web by EB White
It's a classic.  Kids love it.

8. Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls
Ms. Ritter read this to my class in fifth grade.  I bawled like a baby.  So did all the other girls.  The boys tried to be tough, but I remember seeing many of them wiping their eyes as well.  The love story between the boy and his dogs and his family is well worth reading.

9. You Are Special by Max Lucado
Every kid should know that he is loved by his maker and that alone is enough to make him special.  We love this book so much that we named our oldest son after the woodcarver in it.

10.  Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
If you want to know just how much God would do to prove his love for his people, read this book.  There's a good chance that it will change your life.

11. The Mark of the Lion Series by Francine Rivers
My mom introduced me to these books.  Reading them was the first time I was able to really picture what the world looked like around the time of Christ.  The courage of the central characters makes this more than a romance, but an epic tale of adventure.

Unsolicited Advice: How to Make a Kid Hate Reading

This is a bit of a follow up to last week's post for teachers.  It was too long to include on that list, so here it is, getting a whole fancy-smancy page to itself.  
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I've heard it over and over and over.  "My kid used to be an avid reader.  He loved to read...until ____ grade.  Then he absolutely hated it."  

For over a decade now, well before Common Core or even NCLB, all of these conversations included one common denominator; Accelerated Reader, commonly referred to in most schools as AR.  Commonly referred to in my mind as "How to Kill a Love of Reading." 

Properly used, AR can be an awesome tool for teachers. Along with it's companion STAR testing, it can help kids and teachers in many ways.  Before we get into that, let me give you a quick overview of how these two programs work.  Well, at least how they are supposed to work.

First, the kids take a STAR test.  This is a computer based test, made up of progressively harder multiple choice questions.  Kids who get questions right keep getting more questions, in less time, until they can no longer answer correctly in the allotted time.  Miss a few in a row or take too long to answer and the test ends.  If you want to get more info on this, you can look it up here.  Teachers generally give this test within the first few days of school, then depending on the school, again each quarter or semester, and once more at the very end of the year.

After the class tests, the teacher gets almost instant access to about a billion (or maybe more like 20) reports.  She can find out a ton of data about the kids in her class.  The report that I have seen most widely used is the ZPD, or as stated on the above linked website from the tests developer, the

Zone of Proximal Development:  The Zone of Proximal Development (ZPD) is the reading level range from which (the student) should be selecting books for optimal growth in reading. It spans reading levels that are appropriately challenging for reading practice. This range is approximate. Success at any reading level depends on your child’s interest and prior knowledge of a book’s content.

So far, so good. There is some good data there that good teachers can use to differentiate instruction and to quickly identify students who may struggle or excel. Teachers and kids can go into a library and easily find books that the students can read independently.

Now let's go back to the ZPD.  Notice how it says, "This range is approximate.  Success at any reading level depends on your child's interest and prior knowledge of a book's content."  Yeah...that's the part teachers tend to forget about.  Instead of using it as the guideline it was developed to be, they turn it into hard and fast rules that no one can get around, no matter what.  I've known school librarians and teachers who would flat refuse to EVER let a kid check out or read a book in class that was outside of their ZPD.  

Let me give you an example.  The names are changed to protect the innocent but the stories are true.

Tom is in fourth grade.  He reads really well, like his ZPD at the beginning of the year is 11.6-12.8.  This means that as a nine year old, his reading level is equivalent to a junior or senior in high school.  This does NOT mean that his maturity level is equivalent to a 17 or 18 year old.  But his teacher doesn't care.  Nope.  That teacher says that he can ONLY read books in his ZPD.  Unfortunately for him, his elementary school library doesn't carry many of those.  Go figure.  So he reads through the few books they do have, is bored to death, and then his teacher tells him he has to get books from the high school library.  Because you know, fourth graders should be reading first hand accounts of the Bataan Death March, facts about abortion, fiction that depicts drug and alcohol abuse by minors and of course, sex.  After all, if he can score that on one multiple choice test, he must be ready for all that entails.  And if you've read any young adult fiction these days, you know that they are labeled that way because they are not for younger kids!  So, all year long, Tom reads books he's not interested in. He wants to read the books the other kids are reading; Harry Potter, Bailey School, Shiloh...but no, those are below his ZPD, so he's not allowed.  So Tom begins to hate reading. He doesn't get to read anything that he wants so reading is a chore that quickly becomes a bore as well.  By fifth grade, Tom is no longer a reader.  Mr. Smith and his unbending, set in concrete interpretation of the STAR test has killed Tom's interest in reading.  Now a senior, Tom no longer reads for pleasure.

Kimmie is in first grade.  She doesn't read very well yet because she's just getting started.  So her ZPD is somewhere around 1.1-1.6.  When she goes to the library to get books, the books on her level are short.  They are mostly pictures and may only have a few words in them.  AR tests have 5-10 questions on them.  Because Kimmie's books are so simple, there sometimes aren't 5-10 things to ask on the quizzes.  So the quiz authors ask things like "What color was the ball on page 3?" or "Does Jill have blue or green eyes?"  Neither of which were at all relevant to the story.  Kimmie has no idea and simply guesses at the answers.  Her teacher uses AR as a big part of her grade, so Kimmie's report card stinks.  Her parents are upset with her and Kimmie isn't able to put into words why she has done so poorly.  She now thinks she's a horrible reader and doesn't want to pick up any more books.  

Teachers, librarians, parents: listen up.  STAR testing and AR were not meant to be used this way.  They are not The Ten Commandments of Teaching Reading.  ZPD is not set in stone.  It is a guide, a tool.  Use it as such.  Don't suck the life out of young readers by making it more than it is.

I'm not saying you should abandon the test data altogether.  Just don't make kids stick to them so strictly, especially the advanced readers.  If you are teaching third grade and they score with a higher than that ZPD, make them read third grade and up books.  Encourage them to choose some harder books but let them read the occasional picture book that their friends are all talking about.  If a struggling reader really, really wants to read a book about baseball that is three grade levels above them, let them try it.  Not every time, but sometimes.  Chances are, if you give them the tools, they will, in time and with practice, learn to pick books they are ready for.  Let them fail if need be but give them the chance to exceed expectation as well.

Now let me tell you another story.  This one is also true but is about a little girl who has never taken a STAR or AR test in her life. She happens to be home educated but this could easily happen with a child in other types of schools as well if she had the right teacher.

Allie was at the end of second grade when her mom brought home a book for her older brother to read.  It was a book about time travelers that had a grade level equivalent of 5.0.  That means it should be good for middle fourth to middle fifth graders.  Allie was not reading anywhere near that level at the time, nor had she ever read a book with 366 pages and no pictures.  But she was interested.  She wanted to read it.  So her mom, who also happens to be her teacher, let her.  Mom gently quizzed her to see that she was comprehending, which Allie was, so she continued.  It took her almost two months to read the book.  It was Book 1 in a series that currently has six installments.  When she finished it, she practically ran to the library to get Book 2.  It didn't take her as long to read that one.  By November of third grade, Allie had read all six books and was eagerly awaiting Book 7.  Book 6 she read in just over a week.  She now frequently reads books that are written on fourth, fifth and sixth grade levels with ease.  And guess what.  She loves reading.  By taking on a challenge and succeeding, she became a better reader.  She even found a favorite author and is now inspired to become a better writer herself.  

If you're a school librarian or a classroom teacher who uses STAR and AR, please, please, please take a few minutes to evaluate how you are using these tools.  Are you building better readers or are you stifling them?  Are you facilitating a love for storytelling or squashing all desire to read for pleasure?  If you look honestly at your approach and realize it could be better, improve it.  Don't let one more day go by that kills a love of reading.  Don't let your class be the year that Tom starts hating books.  Instead, make it the year that Allie discovers the joy of reading and decides to become a writer.

If you're a parent whose kid's school uses these tools, please take a minute to talk to your child's teacher about their philosophy on this.  If you don't agree with her, make your case.  Make it strongly but respectfully. Advocate for your kid.  Don't let this year be the year he learns to hate reading.

Unsolicited Advice for New Teachers

In 1998 I graduated from college and got my first job: teaching fourth grade at a small school just 15 minutes from my hometown.  I was just barely 22 years old and had my very own class of 14 ten-year-old minds to mold.

I worked hard with those kids.  I gave them everything I had that year.  Even so, in the end, I didn't think it was enough.  My principal was shocked to find me, after the kids had gone on the last day, sitting alone in the corner of my classroom, bawling my eyes out.  I just knew that I had failed those little people that I had poured so much into.  Luckily for me, my principal was a wise man who told me to suck it up; that I had done a great job and that I wasn't personally responsible for each and every student for the remainder of their lives.  I took that advice and it made the rest of my career a little easier.  Here are a few more nuggets of wisdom I wish I would have known that day.

1. Be creative.  The best things I did with my fourth graders weren't the things the textbooks suggested.  They were the things we did that were hands-on.  Yes, they took more work, but they were also much more rewarding.

We had a boat building contest.  I gave the kids craft sticks and soda bottles and sent it home for a week.  One kid came back with his boat covered in sprayed fiberglass!  He certainly won the contest! The next year, when I had his little sister, I had to be sure to have more well defined rules.  :)

We also did an econ project where we baked and sold hundreds of cookies.  The kids learned a lot about economics, everything from investors, to marketing to sweat equity.  They even got to choose what to do with their profits.

In my fifth grade class we read the book Esperanza Rising and celebrated Mexican culture with a a small fiesta.  We tasted jamaica (a drink pronounced ha-mike-ah) and rice water.  We learned Spanish words and ate fresh-made tortillas.  My student teacher had never had them before and I remember thinking, even the adults are learning now!

2.  Set the bar high.  I firmly believe that almost all students will rise to the expectations of their teachers.  If you lay out clear expectations and are consistent in making sure they are followed, you will have very few discipline problems and very few academic failures in your classroom.

3. Treat kids as individuals.  Fair doesn't mean everyone gets the same thing.  Fair means everyone gets a chance to succeed.  The kid with divorced parents who spends Wednesday night at Mom's house may need extra attention on Thursday mornings.  The little boy whose father is in jail might need more warnings to stop his behavior than the kid sitting next to him.  The little girl who grew up reading Spanish may need a little more time to translate in her head before answering your question.  Give it to her.  This doesn't mean you're playing favorites or being unfair.  It means you are meeting the needs of the kids in your classroom in the best way you can.

4. Don't use behavior charts.  This teacher already wrote a blog about why they suck.  Read it here. She says it better than I can, so really, go read it.  Quit humiliating kids with these ridiculous things.  Would you want your boss to post one in the lounge with your performance evaluations?

5. Don't take away recess.  I know, I know, it's so hard not to, but really, just quit doing this.  The kid who drives you the most crazy in class is probably the kid who needs to physical activity the most.  This is the number one thing I would take back if I had those early years as a teacher to do over.  I would give more recess and absolutely zero time on the wall.  Even on the worst of days.

6. Quit grading every problem of every assignment.  This is crazy and unnecessary.  There is no good reason for you to spend two or three or four hours a day grading papers.  You can throw some of them in recycling without ever looking at them.  You can stick them in the Friday Folders with just a checkmark or a sticker.  If you must grade them, grade as you go.  Have the kids work a couple of problems, they come to you to have them checked before they can move on.  You can also have the kids trade and grade.  This works especially well on spelling tests and math worksheets.  With today's technology, you can probably even show the answer key on your smart board and have the kids check them that way.  You're doing enough without grading every single pencil mark your students make.  Take back your evenings and weekends.  Just quit this.  Yes, Mrs. Perfect, I'm talking to you.

7.  Admit when you've blown it.  My second year of teaching I had a particularly bad day.  I don't remember exactly what happened or why I was off kilter, but I do remember ten-year-old Kristi asking me if we could talk in the hall.  When we stepped out of the classroom, this brave little soul told me that I was being unfair.  The kids hadn't done anything bad and I was yelling at them and just generally being unkind.  She was right.  I have rarely been so humbled.  After sending her back to class and taking a few minutes to compose myself, I walked back into the room and apologized to the entire class.  Our day got better from then on and I was able to preserve my relationships with those kids, even on a bad day.

8. Treasure the little moments.  My favorite moment as a teacher was at a school awards ceremony.  John, who had been in my class the previous year, had gotten an award for his Exemplary score on his state tests.  After getting the award and before heading back to his fifth grade class, he walked over to me, gave me a hug and told me, "Thanks, Mrs. C, for teaching me stuff."  It was just 10 seconds to him, but it still makes me tear up.  Treasure those moments; those thank yous and those hugs.  Hold on to them on the days when you just can't seem to get anything to add up or you have an angry parent show up at your door.  You're going to need them on those days.  Write them down.  Keep a file or a scrapbook of the good things and check it often.  Trust me, you'll be glad you did.

9. This one may be uber specific, but I had a great system for fire drills.  At the beginning of the year, I would assign the kids a number.  I usually did this alphabetically but you could do it however you want.  We used the numbers for everything from attendance to turning in papers, so the kids were very familiar with their numbers.  At fire drills (or tornado drills or whatever) they were to get in line in number order as quickly as they could when we got outside.  We quickly numbered off and I knew exactly who was present and who was missing. My class was always among the first to turn in attendance and  more importantly, I was quickly able to identify who was accounted for.

10.  Don't give homework just to give it.  Just don't.  The kids who "need" to the work are most often the ones who don't have the support at home or the academic skills to do so.  It takes them hours and causes undo stress for them and their families.  The kids who can get it done quickly don't need it, they already have the skills.  It's just busy time that takes away from the really important stuff in life: family time.   Leave room for the kids to be kids.  Let them play and enjoy their lives at home without worrying about another math paper.

Yes, there will be exceptions to this one.  There will be days when you need to send something home.    It's hard to, say, observe the moon at 2:00 in the afternoon.  So, yes, kids will need to do this at home.  But give them some leeway.  When I assigned homework, it was almost always a weekly assignment; very rarely something that had to be done that night.  By this, I mean that I gave homework on Friday afternoon that had to be completed by the next Friday afternoon.  That gave the kids a week to work on it and didn't mean they had to do it on a certain night.  I think most families appreciated that.

I'm not gonna sugar coat this; some administrators will insist you send homework.  With ridiculous educational initiatives like No Child Left Behind and Common Core, the pressure is on!  Many principals don't know how to deal with it.  I once got graded down in an evaluation for not sending enough work home with elementary kids.  I wish I was kidding.  It's a tough one to stand your ground on, so do your best to know what you're getting into.  If you have the chance, ask what the expectations are for this when you interview for a job.  Finding a principal who shares your values can save you a whole lot of headaches.  Take it from a girl who had six bosses in nine years.  The ones who shared my philosophies (and I'm not just talking about homework here) were a pleasure to work with.  The ones who didn't weren't so easy to work for.  There's a huge difference.

11.  Make physical contact with each kid, each day.  In my classroom, this meant that before they left for the day, each kid gave me a hug or a high-five on the way out the door.  Every. Day.  I connected with them, one-on-one, for at least that brief second each day.  I think it made a difference.

So, there you go, new teachers (and maybe some veterans, too).  And just because I know that teachers LOVE graphic organizers, I'll leave you with these.

Unsolicited Advice for Those Who Know They are Right

Whew!  There's like 15 minutes left of Tuesday.  But here it is, this week's unsolicited advice. Enjoy!

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So I'm in this Facebook group for homeschool moms.  It's a Christian group with almost 1000 members.  I've met exactly three of them in real life.  Two live close to me and are among my closest friends.  The other I met when she gifted me with a free clothes dryer.  (More about that in a minute.)

They have kind of been my go-to group when I have questions about just about anything.  Obviously,
they can answer my homeschool questions of all kinds: curriculum, schedules, field trips and all that jazz.  I've seen them discuss recommendations for appliance repair, doctors' offices, dentists, and even church building plans.  When my dryer bit the dust and I asked for recommendations about what brand might be best for me to purchase, a complete stranger offered to give me one she had in her basement - totally for free - because she couldn't use it (she had gas hook-ups and this one was electric) and wanted to give it to someone who could.  Almost weekly they are taking meals to new mommas or people who are sick.  They pray for each other and encourage one another in some great and big ways.  Overall being in the group is very encouraging.

Except when it's not.  Except for the times when I feel demeaned and judged by the well meaning hyper-conservative Jesus loving mommas.  I understand these ladies.  At one point in my life, I would have fit right in with them.  Most of the time, they are not intentionally mean, they're just intolerant of ANYTHING that doesn't match up with their view of God.  Not just things that are clearly laid out in scripture (like, say, the Ten Commandments) but lots of other things too, like Halloween, Santa, and Harry Potter.  They zealously believe that they are right and want everyone around them to see the "truth" that they have seen.  Any divergence from their view is seen as a threat and must be squashed immediately so as not to take root and ruin all things holy.

When I posted a link to an article that summed up my views on Halloween, the backlash was harsh.  We trick-or-treat in my house.  We carve jack-o-lanterns.  We don't give the day up to the devil.  Instead we participate in community events and we build relationships with our neighbors.  There were some in the fb group who respectfully disagreed with my point-of-view.   I had expected that and I can appreciate a good conversation with people who don't make all the same choices I do.  There were a few mommas, however, who could not.  One woman made it pretty clear that by participating in Halloween we were "compromising" our Christian faith.  She then proceeded to imply that because, as a seven-year-old, my daughter had dressed a vampire, she would most certainly grow up to be addicted to porn.  I am not even kidding.  It took a lot of restraint but I think I managed to reply to her firmly but respectfully.  She didn't get why I was offended at her comments.

In December someone asked about Santa.  I know a lot of parents who don't "do Santa."  We do.  In fact, we love Santa.  That doesn't mean we love Jesus any less.  But, oh, the judgement that reigned down on the pro-Santa crowd in the form of comments like, " you mean, do I lie to my kids telling them that the man in the red coat is real and will drop off their packages on Christmas Eve, no." and "No! I don't lie to my kids. We celebrate Jesus." As though those of us who celebrate with Santa leave Jesus totally out of the mix.   While I understand that some parents may feel like they are "lying" to their kids about these things, I think of it more as using our imaginations and playing pretend for a long time. I am okay with you not agreeing with me.  I respect that you have made different choices than we have. Calm, open discussion with reasonable people is a great thing.  Mean spirited, my-way-or-the-highway remarks are not.

Things got really heated when someone posted an old link to a youtube video made by a supposed ex-witch that denounced Harry Potter and all things JK Rowling.  Again, many of the moms were able to have honest, open dialog but there were a few who just couldn't respect that someone could actually have read Harry Potter and still love Jesus.  One woman put herself out there as an expert, who had had personal conversation with the author and with children who became demon possessed after reading the books.  I'm not saying she's lying.  But I will say that I don't believe everything I read on the internet.  This woman in particular made it hard for me to take her seriously because of the way she was bullying people who didn't accept her word as the gospel truth.

I used to be a lot like these well meaning mommas.  Everything in my life was black or white.  Gray was not an option.  Apparently, neither was tact or grace.  In high school, I once broke up with a boy I'd been dating by telling him, with absolutely no warning, "I can't go out with you anymore because you're not a Christian. Sorry."  I'm pretty sure I also mentioned in the same conversation that he was probably going to Hell.  Amazingly, he didn't immediately decide to give his life to Christ.  Go figure.

But that was 20 years ago and as I'm approaching 40, I've learned a few things.  A lot of my knowledge has come the hard way.  I've offended and ostracized.  I've said so many things that I wish I could take back.  My foot has been in my mouth so often that I can distinguish between Adidas and Nikes by taste alone.  I've made choices that were less than stellar.  I've crossed uncrossable lines and shattered unbreakable rules.  In all of that imperfection I've become a wiser woman and I believe, a better friend.  I've learned to love people where they are and not need them to be who they are not.  It's a work in progress and I still struggle with much.

Here's what I wish I would have understood when I was younger.  Take note, you who are certain you are always right.  This list just might save you some heartache and a friendship or two.

1. My way is not always the ONLY way.  Yes, there are absolutes.  I'm not saying there aren't.  But there are a lot of areas that just don't matter that much.  Things that work in my family may create utter chaos for yours.  Our priorities may be miles apart.  This doesn't mean one of us is wrong, only that we are different.  Learning to embrace that instead of fighting it makes life so much easier.

2.  Just because I'm right doesn't mean I have to convince you that you are wrong.  It's not my job to convict you of your sins.  That's what the Holy Spirit is for.  I may share my experiences, but making you feel like less of a person because we disagree will never be a winning situation for either of us.

3.  Grace trumps judgment. Every. Single. Time.  I've had friends tell me of their failures: abortions, affairs, bad parenting, even abuse.  When I have responded with kindness, love, and grace - even in the face of the "big sin" issues - I have not destroyed, but deepened my relationships.  By treating people as fallible human beings, rather than as "sinners," I have been able to show the love of Jesus in a much better way than I had before.  People are more important than things, rules, or how I feel about Santa.

4. Just because people don't know about your sin doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  All of us, every single one, are less than perfect.  Not one of us is fit to "cast the first stone."  (John 8:7)  Some of us are better at hiding our sins than others.  In my experience, the people who work the hardest at hiding their weaknesses are almost always among the very lonely and the very sad.  When I was more worried about what other people thought of me than about getting my life right, I was miserable.  When I quit playing Mary Poppins and admitted that I'm not "practically perfect in every way," my life got a whole lot easier and my relationships went to a whole new level.

5.  Always be real.  As I've gotten older, I've learned to open up and share my failures with trusted friends.  Again, this has only served to strengthen my relationships with others.  I'm not suggesting we go around wearing Scarlet Letters.  There is a time and a place for sharing as well as a time and a place for silence.  Be wise about what you share and with whom.  But always be real.  Pretending to be more than you are only leads to isolation and heartache.  Take it from the girl who spent almost every Friday night of her high school years watching Walker, Texas Ranger with her parents.

6. You can't expect non-Christians to live by Christian standards.  If your bestie doesn't believe in Jesus as Lord, you can't expect her to live a Biblical life.  If your husband isn't a believer, you can't expect him to tithe.  You simply need to set a Godly example and pray for God to work in their lives. Setting them to a standard they don't share isn't realistic and will just cause you unnecessary heartache.

7. Even if you're right, if you're a jerk, no one will care what you have to say.  You could be telling people that they need oxygen to survive but if you're mean no one will care.  They will hate you and everything you stand for.  They will stop listening when you talk and you will lose all credibility.  You will struggle with relationships and wonder why no one wants to sit next to you at lunch.  Jesus said we are to be "salt" to the world.  Notice he didn't say "Be vinegar" or "be sour grapes."  Nobody likes a jerk.  Don't be one.

So, there you go.  That's what I wish I would have understood in my teens and twenties.  Learn now what took me many years to get.  Keep your friends, be salt and light, and quit looking like a jerk on Facebook.

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What is the most important lesson you have learned as you've matured in your faith?  What are you still working on?

And yes, I know that I don't need to interact with jerks online.  It's just that it was easier to make my point using people from Facebook than people I know in real life.  Please don't let the fact that my early illustrations were from online comments take away from the point of the post.